I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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