I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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