The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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