I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
