Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
