matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She told me I should be a condom model.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
