Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
