I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
