I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
