wanna go halves on a baby?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
