Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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