her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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