i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
