This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
