does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
