Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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