They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
