The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
