I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
