It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
