Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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