I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I touched a dick in church today
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
