Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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