I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You took a bar mat shot.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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