i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
