Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's never too late to be topless.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
