First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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