You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
