i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
