the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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