i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
