:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
