there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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