This girl is more easily done than said...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
