Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
