Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
