You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
