please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The best revenge is premature balding
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
