You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
