Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cannot find my penis.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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