dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
