so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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