you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
