When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
