Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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