never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
