His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
