I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
