At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
