i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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